Check out what I am doing after my IHOPU graduation this summer!

http://www.malloryweyman.wordpress.com/my-journey-to-africa

 

 

Since when did I begin to believe that prayer looked like a dark and dingy closet? Or that Christianity looked like earning God’s attention? Since when did mourning seem more holy than laughter that makes your sides hurt? When did I stop remembering to slow down, and breathe in the little moments?

Little by little over the few years of life I’ve had, with time and pain and wrong ideas about God, these mindsets begin to sink in and my own view of what I think God is like begins to take shape and compel my life in one direction or another. Child-likeness, over time, gets pushed down and set aside for more “mature” and professional sorts of things. But whatever happened to the simplicity of the gospel, and resting in the arms of a Papa? Whatever happened to the God of joy? The God before whom David danced with ALL HIS MIGHT, without fear or shame.

Whatever happened to living in the reality that God enjoys me, right now today, as I am not as I should or could or hope to be? That even as I try to “grow up into Christ” and be more (seemingly) “put together”, God smiles over my life and ENJOYS me.

Enjoys my PROCESS.

Today, right now, with the sun on my face and crickets worshipping in the background, I breathe.
I breathe in grace and exhale out my own religiousity.
I breathe in deep and out comes all those wrong ideas.
I close my eyes, looking away from the beauty that surrounds me
to look with the eyes of my heart upon the most beautiful of things,
my King, Jesus. My friend, my brother, not another one like Him.

My God is not a Father who is depleted when I come to Him. He LOVES that I need Him.
“Though I am poor and needy, the Lord thinks upon me.”_ Psalm 40:17

I breathe in life and exhale a sigh of relief; knowing it is my God who saves,
not my own works or righteousness- which are but filthy rags anyway.
I breathe in resurrection power and can rest assured that my confidence is in this,
that it is not to me or my power that I am saved or changed, but by His name and His abundant goodness.

I rest assured that my God DESIRES to hear me, and knows me deeper than I know myself.

I close my eyes and look to the Son as His sun shines bright upon my face and I feel His presence.
What sweetness. Truly there is not another as wonderful.

Sometimes prayer does look like a closet,
with the sweetness of silence, and the whisper of a Savior.
And at times it looks like going for a run at night,
or strumming the guitar when nobody’s home,
belting it out at the top of your lungs.
Sometimes Christianity looks like mourning,
but joy does always seem to come with the morning.
New mercies, undeserving.
Christianity looks like love, power, and self-discipline.
That’s right, I said it (well, the Bible said it); SELF-DISCIPLINE.
And a whole lot of dying to self.
Which requires a deep and continual LEANING
upon our  Beloved as we walk this thing out called life,
with all of our glaring weakness.
Christianity is holiness. On God’s terms.
Happy holiness. Humility. Hunger.
And Christianity is never an act of “earning”, but of open hands
r  e  c  e  i  v  i  n  g   &   g  i  v  i  n  g.

Christianity is voluntary weakness, with a weak yes;
where He comes and says, “I can use that. I’ll take it.”
And He perfects His strength in us. What beauty.

Truly there is not another One like Him.

Christianity is obedience to CHRIST.
Not looking to the right or to the left,
being swayed by what He is calling everyone and their mom to.

What is He saying to me, right now, in this moment?
What does love  look like, from me, for Him, today?

“Behold, now is the favorable time; behold, now is the day of salvation.” _2 Corinthians 6:2

Lord, cause me to be one who offers up a life of love to You
in every season, with every breath,
for all You’ve done and all that You are.

“And Samuel said, “Has the LORD as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to listen than the fat of rams.” _ 1 Samuel 15:22

“For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it;
you will not be pleased with a burnt offering.
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” _Psalm 51:16-17

new year. renewed vision. renewed hunger.

²² The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
    his mercies never come to an end;
²³ they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness.
²⁴ “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    “therefore I will hope in him.” – Lamentations 3

Your mercies are new toward me.

I feel the weight and the truth of this reality more so this year than I think I have ever felt before. When I first surrendered my life to Jesus I most certainly felt the power of His mercy toward me then, but this is different.

It’s different when you feel that you need His mercy as His child simply desiring to please Your Father’s heart and make Him proud. This is a mercy that I need daily. Daily there is reward in my life for the Son of Man. Daily I am to pick up my cross and follow Him wherever He leads. Daily He asks of me to give myself to Him in love.

For this year of 2013 I can’t fully explain it but I can tangibly feel the kindness of His mercies outstretched toward me in such a real and new way. He is giving this to me as a gift, and as a means to do just that of what He asks- to give myself wholly to Him in love- to follow the slain Lamb wherever He goes… that in this year He may receive His reward in me & in my life.

The question posed then is what is this great King’s reward? What could the King who has no need, who knows no lack, DESIRE for His inheritance?

This King who has it all, GAVE IT ALL, {all of Himself}, so that He could have the ALL of every human being. This is what He is worthy of, and yet incomprehensibly so much more.

Herein lays the place of my reward to Him.
He desires the affections of my little heart. He desires all of me. That I would love Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all of my strength.
He desires the affections of the nations. He longs for praise to arise from every tribe, tongue, people, and nation… that in all places He would be preeminent in the hearts of men.
He desires a Bride who is burning and shining. His reward at His coming will be a Bride who has been making Herself ready, longing for the Day of His appearing.

In these things I actually get to partner with GOD in causing worship to arise from real nations and real cities across the earth, and get to teach them how to love Jesus with ALL.
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I came to the International House of Prayer in 2010 with the main objective and intention to get equipped for what I feel the Lord has put on my heart to do- to work amongst the poor, and to give myself to the nations in whatever way that may come.

I moved here with clear practical goals in mind as part of my time of preparation. I wanted to memorize lots of Scripture. I wanted to grow in singing and being able to lead worship. I wanted to learn languages. I wanted to train my physical body for the mission field. I came here knowing that I wanted greater depth in my relationship with Jesus and a much more solid foundation to stand upon. I wanted to have my heart unlocked into greater freedom and have greater faith in who God is. Ultimately, I wanted to truly become a vessel that was of good & honorable use for the kingdom of God in the nations of the earth.

I have accomplished but a mere few of those goals in my time here, but I see clearly that God has not only begun a good work in me, but that He is igniting my heart again for the “love of my youth”- for the very things that stirred my heart to come here. He is awakening my heart for the nations again!

Entering into my third year here in Kansas City, I find I’m discovering that I’m right where I’m supposed to be. For this year I feel such vigor and excitement because those goals of mine are all highly attainable by His grace. I truly feel the kindness of His mercy towards me and His delight over me as I attempt to give myself to Him in training during this season. I can see the beauty of His goodness over my life in bringing me to this community of prayer. He has taught me how to rest in Him and drawn me closer to Himself over these past few years. And above all, I know that now more than ever I believe more confidently in the truths about who God is and who He says that I am to Him.

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Confidence. Grace. Rest. Abundance. This is what I feel coming for 2013. And I know these words don’t mean everything is easy as pie, but I know that in all things my stronghold is God, and at all times I can have confidence before Him {that’s right, AT. ALL. TIMES.} and find peace in Him that surpasses all understanding to guard me and keep me.

At the end of the day, no matter what circumstances or trials may come or what goals I may fall short in meeting, He is my goal. He is the dream of my heart.

If I don’t get God, then I gain nothing.

I want God to be my daydream… Not missions, ministry, marriage or a family. Even if I go to the ends of the earth and see multitudes give their lives to Jesus and see worship arise from the hardest nations, in this is not my comfort, joy, or hope.

Hope deferred truly makes the heart sick.

The key is to figure out what we have put our hope in. If my hope is not first and foremost found in God, then I will come up dry as I seek broken cisterns to quench my thirst and fill me with water.

This year I’m laying all my chips in one basket. In Him. In Him alone is my joy and my fulfillment. In Him alone is my satisfaction. In Him alone is my success. He is my goal. My one good thing.

This year I’m resolving to “press on to lay hold of that for that which Christ has laid hold of me”. He gave all, so now my life must be a response.

I want to run headlong into the God-Man and trust Him with all of my life… To trust Him and find rest and assurance in the truth that He will finish the work He started. {And He even wants to help me complete my little life goals and resolutions along the way!} I must grow to trust that He is much better at His job of Helper and Teacher than I give Him credit for. He is ABLE to finish what He started in me & in my life.

year 2013, resolved to spend more time with Jesus and be quick to respond to Him.
All the rest shall follow. I think it was Heidi Baker who said, “All fruitfulness comes from the place of intimacy.” He desires obedience over sacrifice. It was Jesus Himself who said “Abide in Me that you may bear fruit… for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

He is the generous God who abundantly gives grace and wisdom to those who will ask. He is a GOOD {wise, kind, patient, gracious…} Shepherd. He is the perfect leader. He is the Author and Finisher of my story. PLUS, my God is my FATHER. How could I not believe that He is FOR me? He’s my number one fan. Truly I have a good inheritance!

² I say to the Lord, “You are my Lord; apart from You I have no good thing.”
⁵ Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
you make my lot secure.
⁶ The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. – Psalm 16

A year from now I want to find myself in a deeper relationship with Him. I want to find myself more in love with Jesus and with more of His character overflowing from within me. In this is my success and my joy.

At the end of the day, I can have as much of God as I want. This is what I have resolved in my heart to reach for… and if I get to go on adventures with Jesus and pour out my life to the nations in the process, then that just makes it all the more fun.

He’s awesome and anything I get to do with Him is awesome because He is there.

 “In this hour of our lives
and with the Father on our side,
forgetting all that lies behind
you’ll find us pressing on, pressing on
…
I want to follow You, Jesus.
I want to go with You, Jesus.”_ Endless Years, United Pursuit Band

time in the South. learning love.

I am leaving Jackson, Mississippi with an awakened pain in my heart over my need- our deep need- for the Good News [it really is good news!] of the gospel of Jesus Christ. I’ve been simply wrecked by the love of God here. What else can you give to a woman who is 2 months pregnant, HIV positive, and being sold out for sex by her boyfriend- for the price of $5-7 for a little bit of crack cocaine? What other option is there for the men who just gang-raped and murdered a woman- who are tormented by the demons they so quickly befriend? What else can you give to a man who is literally crying out to be delivered from his addiction to alcohol? What other hope or cure is there for a woman who is wasting away from AIDS? What about the little girl who is HIV positive because her mom and dad are? What other remedy is there but the extravagant love of Jesus? There are so many more- so many more faces and people- real people; people that our precious Jesus bled and died for. They are His inheritance.  The poor and lost and dying and rejected- they are His. And they are no different from you and me.

The fact of the matter is I am just as lost and in need of the mercy of God as the men who raped and murdered that woman. I am just as wretched, poor, blind, naked, and miserable in my sin. I needed saving just like they do. And I still do.  When I am angry, I murder. When I have self-hatred and hate the way my body looks, I murder. (Matthew 5:21-22). Sin is sin, and we’re all in the same boat. And yet, He really does save us and change us. What other explanation is there for a man like Kevin who was addicted to all kinds of drugs and alcohol for three decades, who used to hold up the staff of “We Will Go” at gun point and steal from them time and time again- who NOW is saved, cleansed, sober, married, and a powerful preacher of the Gospel?? THAT IS THE POWER OF GOD- for real!

Who is like our God? What kind of God is this- who stoops down so low for us and changes us? He comes down for us wretched messes of men and makes us look like Him. He came for us when we had no desire for Him (Romans 5:8). He chases us down again and again and again. And He loves us even when we hate Him and shake our fists at Him and say “I’m never going to change!” He never gives up. He never gets discouraged. His love is unrelenting, unstoppable, undefeatable, unquenchable, irresistible, and He never stops knocking, pursuing, chasing.

I feel on the brink of tears just thinking about how evident the love of God was in this place. And the reality is that through the hands and feet of Jesus, the church here in Jackson, the broken people in their neighborhood are beginning to realize that Jesus is never giving up. Harden hearts are being softened, changed, and set free.  Jesus is in the business of deliverance, salvation, and healing. This is who He is. And this is what His Church should be like. Pray for me, pray for our team, that we would go home and be changed to love like this. That we would have no fear in our love, that we would be full of faith to go to the hardest and darkest places with the same gospel that saved hopeless sinners like us- to give a lost & dying world hope, and to love outrageously as we have been loved.